All for One Bag of Groceries

Right as I headed toward the exit, the guy next to me going through the other door was stopped by store security. I assume the security guard had asked to see the guy's receipt because the guy waved it in front of the security guard. The security guard was young and his face gave no indication of fear or hesitation. The guy who was stopped by the guard had a scruffy beard and wore a nondescript t-shirt, shorts, and a backwards baseball cap. With him was either his girlfriend or wife I assumed, also wearing a t-shirt and shorts. Seemingly just another summer shopping day at Safeway.

It was then the guy started yelling that he had paid for the groceries and he was going to leave. He held a big container of sour cream in one hand and something else in the other that I couldn't see. Maybe those were the items in question not on the receipt. He kept yelling and threw the sour cream to the ground. It exploded in a white splat. That's when a female store clerk rushed up and wrapped her arms around him in a big bear hug. I exited at that point.

Only 15 minutes earlier my wife Amy and our oldest Beatrice went into the store for a few groceries, and I was to exchange a propane tank. Safeway's not a favorite place to shop but it is down the street from us and convenient for items we can't get at Trader Joe's. Amy and Beatrice started shopping and I approached another store clerk who ran the self-checkout area. That's when I first saw the guy and his girlfriend scanning their items. I asked the clerk about exchanging the propane tank and she told me to wait in a one of the regular checkout aisles to purchase the refill. 

After I finished the propane tank exchange, I went back into the store to find Amy and Beatrice. I saw them and Amy waved me over to them. Even before I headed their way, I could hear the commotion to the left of me where the female store clerk continued to bear hug the guy and the security guard was trying to hold on to his right arm. The guy kept yelling he had paid for the other groceries and he just wanted to leave. His girlfriend was nowhere to be seen. But they weren't letting him go and it looked like the store clerk holding him was on her phone, I assumed calling the police. Another store clerk confirmed that, otherwise we would've called.

We were worried about whether or not the guy had a weapon, but if he did, he hadn't tried to go for it since the female store held on to him with all her might. No other store clerks came forward to help and we didn't see any other security guards. 

We completed our self-checkout and headed to another exit on the other side of the store with our one bag of groceries, away from the scuffle, which showed no signs of letting up. They wrestled with the guy and knocked over a few displays in the process and he kept yelling he paid for the one bag groceries that now sat on the ground near the customer service counter. But no cops had showed yet. One shopper called out to let him go. Everyone just stared. 

It had already been over 20 minutes since the confrontation started. No matter how much I wanted to help, I just would've put myself in harm's way. As Amy has trained our family for many years, channeling Kidpower safety skills, always move away from danger, not toward it. Beatrice definitely concurred and kept reminding us of that as we left. 

The whole incident was sad, though, representative of modern-day haves and have nots, the greater socioeconomic divide that widens daily. We didn't know anything about the guy or his girlfriend who fled. Did they have warrants out for their arrest? Obviously he had paid for some of his groceries, so was he just down on his luck trying to steal a few extra items? Was he mentally ill? An addict? Recently laid off? Homeless? Did he have any weapons on him? Had he done this at Safeway before? Growing up in law enforcement, I would've assumed the store employees would've let him go, with or without the groceries he supposedly paid for, especially after they took a picture of him, waiting for the police to arrive. 

Again, we had no idea what this guy's story was. The store clerk and security guard were still fighting with him when we left, and the police hadn't arrived yet. All for one bag of groceries. 

Empathic Parenting Outperforms the Punitive

Even as I got upset about the article I read, I couldn't help but think about that time with our youngest Bryce. The time when they were five years old and I had to carry them thrashing and kicking out of CVS. I was on a mission to get last minute cheap and fun little Christmas gifts for my wife Amy (yes, I'm one of those guys). Bryce had a meltdown because they wanted a toy they weren't going to get. Our oldest Beatrice tried to help, but as a seven-year-old, that's not easy to do when your sibling is out of control in a store and you're trying to get them out safely. 

It wasn't the first or last time Bryce had melted down growing up. But I never thought of punishing them to attempt to extinguish the behavior. That never would've worked because it would've fueled the melt down further. Instead, we always did our best to secure them safely and let the tantrum burn out, which it always did. Yelling at them and/or shaming them would've exacerbated the problem and just create fear, distrust, and resentment.

A recent Wall Street Journal article titled "Goodbye Gentle Parenting, Hello ‘F—Around and Find Out’" (paywall) is what got me upset and thinking about all of this. Even before I read the article the title alone made me mad. "Goodby Gentle Parenting" -- as if parenting with love, empathy, positive discipline, and of course, Kidpower, was feeble and weak and not conducive to deterring poor behavior.  

The article went on to share "tough love" parenting examples like throwing your child into a pond because they were "acting up" and not listening or biting your child back if they bit you.

WTH?

I don't care if it worked or not in the short term, that's nuts and will not help you raise respectful and responsible kids. Instead, it will help you raise bullies. And if your kids have any kind of mental health issues, it's potentially worse for the kids' mental health if they've been treated punitively (which was the way it was for a long, long time). 

Punitive discipline can have a lasting negative impact on your children. When my sister and I were growing up, we were spanked for misbehaving and our mouths washed out with a bar of soap for cursing. That did not necessarily get me to stop the behaviors, but it certainly made me fearful and angry. Fortunately, our mom moved on from that discipline style in our late childhood -- and thank goodness! But the lasting impact for me is that I continually fight against my punitive-mode origins. 

Yes, I can be a fussy dad, but I've worked on it every day since we first had Beatrice and then Bryce. Amy and I intentionally parent with respect, empathy, and positive discipline. Positive discipline's goal is to teach, guide, and encourage better behavior in the future. This includes using respect, clear expectations, natural/logical consequences, and encouraging our kids to foster self-control, which is what we've done since they were little. 

Removing Bryce from the meltdown's crater all those years ago was a natural consequence. They weren't getting the toy they wanted and so we were no longer going to be around the toys they wanted. Once Bryce cooled down, then we had a discussion about why they couldn't have the toy. Not a super in-depth conversation when your child is five, but you've got to start somewhere. Now that both Beatrice and Bryce are teens, the positive discipline payoff has been the strength of our parent/child relationships, their relationships with others, and their value of self.

Do we do it right every time? Nope, but we're pretty damn consistent otherwise. Do our kids get where we're coming from all the time? Nope, but they listen and learn much better than if we focused on "toughening" them up by literally biting back. Empathic parenting outperforms the punitive every time in our lesson plan.