Our Only Cat Thing

Her name was Cleo. Short for Cleopatra. A cross-eyed Siamese cat we had was I was a child that would sprint across our front yard, her back legs pumping faster than her front, which would then rotate her back end to her front end 180 degrees causing her to literally flip over and tumble multiple times to an abrupt stop. She'd look stunned, meow, and then do it all over again. 

She was also a loving cat. Until she wasn't. Not unusual for cats, Cleo would lay on my stomach while I laid on the bed or the couch, purring contentedly while I petted her. After a few minutes I hear her low growl growing inside her and she'd tense up. That's when I knew she was going to pounce on my head, and if I didn't push her off me or cover my head with something, I was a goner. 

Pounce!

Decades later, the last cats that my wife Amy and I had were her cats she had before we met, a sister and a brother named Chelsea and Charlie, and I had a dog named Joshua. Her cats did not like my dog, but they all tolerated each other. Chelsea was a beautiful Calico, and after our daughters came, first Beatrice then Bryce, only Chelsea was still alive. Bryce was only a baby and Beatrice was two. Beatrice would toddle behind Chelsea, pull on her tail, and call out "Kitty!" Chelsea didn't want any of that and she'd take a swipe at Bea. Chelsea lived to be 21 years old, too. Mercy me that's old for a cat.

Then there was my mother-in-law's cat, Sweetie. They lived with us for a few years when our girls were little. Sweetie was skittish gray ghost cat that would vanish before you even entered the room. She also took swipes at Beatrice, one time connecting and leaving a big scratch on her arm. That deterred her a little bit from pursuing Sweetie, but never fully stopped her. 

So, what's with all this cat talk today? Especially on Father's Day? Well, it's because our girls now want a cat, especially Bryce, and that's never going to happen in a million years. At least, until in a million years when the girls have places of their own. 

Why? Because cats are like humans; they're extremely unpredictable. When they're indoor cats they use cat boxes that constantly stink. When they're outdoor cats they leave dead things on your porch like Biblical sacrifices. They hack up hair balls. They scratch everything. They knock everything over. They howl and hiss and run around in the middle of the night. One minute they're loving you, and then next, pouncing on your head and biting your ears and nose.

I'm sure there are many cat owners that would challenge my current distaste for cats. Blessings to you all. Amy and I are really more dog people, and while dogs can be just as bad as unpredictable cats, they're still more like docile children compared to the bizarre, unpredictable world of adult-like cats. 

So, sorry kids, no cats. Instead, my girls and I watch cat videos together with our dog Jenny by our side (not caring about the cats). Funny cat videos of cats running around like banshees. Of cats knocking things off of high shelves. Of cats getting startled and jumping five feet into the air and off of counters. Of cats pouncing on each other and/or other humans suddenly. Of cats making alien sounds after smelling food they don't like. Of cats hacking up hair balls the size of oranges. Of cats laying around and watching TV. Of cats being dressed up in funny clothes and sunglasses and made to dance. 

Each night before bed now we watch funny cat videos until we laugh so hard we cry. It's our cat thing. Our only cat thing. So funny!

Nope, don't look at me like that, kids. No cats!