This Renovation Adventure

I took last week off of writing because my wife Amy and I ran (mostly walked and stopped for free tacos) the 50th annual Wharf to Wharf race. First time since 2019 that it was in person and over 14,000 people participated. It was a fantastic community event that again raised money for local youth running programs.

But that's not what this piece is about. Because it was right after that when we had to finish prepping the house for new floors, which began a renovation adventure. We're grateful to have this house we've lived in for over 16 years, and up until this week, still had the original carpeting.

That was a few years longer than I would've liked, but we've always taken care of our house as it was "out of the box" as they say. It was in a new housing development when we bought, at a time when we weren't going to have children, and soon enough that changed. And then there was a lot of history in our original carpeting -- from our daughters and their friends crawling, playing on it, and falling down; to a variety of spills and splatters; to allergy-driving dirt and dog hair. 

The carpet was everywhere in our house, except for the entryway and the kitchen and our bathrooms. We kept it pretty clean over the years, steam cleaning periodically, but after the 10th year it began to look tired, especially in the high-traffic areas, and even being a shoes-off-in-the-house family. That's when I started to work on Amy. But at that time, she wasn't having it and reminded me how good it still looked compared to other neighbors with kids over the years, where their carpets looked like zombie kill zones from The Walking Dead. 

But ours just kept getting more tired, and the steam cleaning didn't really help anymore. And after 16 years of living, it was time. Not only did I get Amy onboard with new flooring, we're doing a few other projects as well (thank you home equity, when only 12 years earlier we almost walked away from the house after the Great Recession). 

We started the process of looking at new flooring, faux hardwood vinyl that's durable and easy to keep clean. We made it a family affair as well, bringing home flooring samples for our kids to help us pick what might look the best. We picked out our style and scheduled the project. 

The day after the Wharf to Wharf, the flooring crew came and in the first day, the old carpet was completely removed and our furniture askew. I thought, that was quick. This should go faster than what the salesperson told us. 

Not exactly. I mean, I knew it was going to be a lot of work, putting in an entirely new floor into most of the house, but it was a lot, lot more work. As I always like to joke, this work was way above my pay grade; renovation and construction are nowhere near my vocational wheelhouse. After the carpet was gone, there was a lot of floor prepping that had to be done. There was an entirely new secondary floor they had to lay prior to installing the hardwood vinyl. 

We had to adapt to keep our dog and rabbit safe and sound during the construction, to keep working from home as Amy and I do, and to keep living from home as best we could. Compared to the dumpster fire the world around us can be, this new flooring project wasn't so bad, but the sawing, vacuuming, sanding, hammering, nail gunning, and more got a little mind-bending at times. Thankfully the girls were at summer camp all week during the day. What was supposed to take 3-4 days slipped to 6, but it got done. And if wasn't for a plumbing emergency elsewhere, the downstairs bathroom would've been reassembled, so that part we have a few more days to wait for. 

For the most part, this renovation adventure is done, and we love it!

Except our tween Bryce. "Bryce, how do you like it?"

"I don't."

"What do you mean? You helped us pick it out."

"Well, it's okay, but I'll hurt myself if I fall."

Sigh. It's not like the old carpet was a bouncy house, I thought. Or maybe it was.

Well, at least our dog Jenny approves. I think. 

The Possibilities of Prevention

"Was she asking for it?
Was she asking nice?
Did she ask you for it?
Did she ask you twice?"

–Hole, Asking For It

I saw a social media meme that talked about how we tell our children told not to talk to strangers in person or online, not to get into cars with strangers, and yet today as adults, we order rides on our mobile phones and get into cars with strangers. 

Funny, not funny, because it is exactly what we do. I've used ride shares for years now while traveling for work and even at home sometimes. We've used them as a family when traveling, too. My wife Amy brought up ride shares as well because she knows someone who shares their ride share mobile app with their kids, teenagers, so they can book rides when they need them. That prompted a conversation between us about it, because while we don't judge other parents for doing this, we're both uncomfortable with it. Although we've empowered our kids to be safe by practicing safety skills learned from Kidpower, we don't want our teenagers taking rides with strangers without us. 

Nothing's ever happened to us when using these ride services. Quite the contrary; I've met some very nice people who drive for Uber and Lyft, who are just trying to make a living or some part-time money. But, there have been documented cases of drivers who assault their passengers. 

A new suit just filed in SF County Superior Court has 550 women claiming they were “kidnapped, sexually assaulted, sexually battered, raped, falsely imprisoned, stalked, harassed, or otherwise attacked” by their Uber drivers, and the law firm claims another 150 more women may join the suit.

Jesus. And this isn't new either. These allegations have been going on for a few years. Again, we've never experienced anything like this while using ride sharing services, and we never want to put our daughters into a situation where it could happen. 

But this isn't just a women's issue. Should never be just a women's issue. According to Dr. Jackson Katz, a leading academic and activist on gender-based violence and co-founder of Mentors in Violence Prevention:

“Men commit 99 per cent of rapes. Why is rape a women’s issue? Why do we use passive language about men’s violence? We ask, ‘How many women were raped last year?’ rather than, ‘How many men raped women last year?"

Exactly. Rape culture normalizes violence against women, children, and many others who are marginalized in societies around the world. It drives political agendas. It is excused by media and entertainment. It's so institutionalized and protected by patriarchy that decades go by while millions are raped and assaulted. Like Olympic gymnasts. Like the Boy Scouts. Like young boys and girls in the Catholic and Southern Baptist churches. Like Uber riders. Like spouses, significant others, and countless others. 

I've been a domestic violence and sexual assault awareness advocate for a long time, and the toxic masculinity that has fueled patriarchal control for thousands of years is still quite alive and well in 2022. It's so pervasive that even when there's momentum in dealing with abusive men, the very people who still support those men no matter what turn on those they were supposed to help. I see it happen over and over again. I was also caught up in it three years ago when I served on city commission to help prevent violence against women. Sadly I let it take a toll on my psyche and stepped back from directly volunteering to help. 

That's changing again for me. With our daughters growing up, and with violence against women (and children) still prevalent in every corner of the globe, I have to speak up and again be part of the solution.  Nobody's ever asking for it. Rape culture just wants you to believe they are, or to believe they're lying about it, so it will give men who perpetrate a pass do it again and again. Thankfully there are more men speaking up and standing up to rape culture and patriarchy, with all sorts of organizations around the world enlisting men and women to change societal norms that encourage this cycle of violence. 

Nobody's ever asking for it, so I'm asking for the possibilities of prevention.

Almost Gridless

As we hiked up to the falls, I imagined what it would be like to live off the grid in our trailer camper. Away from most people, politics, and all the polarization of today. Away from all things work and day-to-day responsibilities. Away from most everything. Except when we needed gas, food, and other staples. 

By choice of course, not because we had to if we were experiencing homelessness, or if we were running from the law. Then I thought of the Paul Theroux novel The Mosquito Coast where the main character takes his family to the Honduran jungle to try to live a purer utopian lifestyle with this family, which didn’t happen. But I'm also not a crazy inventor who would put his family in such danger. 

And then I thought of Roger Water’s album The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking, about a man dreaming about his midlife crisis and his crazy attempt of saving his family by moving to the wilderness, but that was another Conrad Heart of Darkness journey that wasn’t what I had in mind. 

I like the idea of it, though. Of living off the grid. A more positive living experience than the examples above. To travel to places we’ve never been, to see wonderful new sights and hike and have amazing (and safe) new adventures. I’d write my great American novel, practice drumming on my practice pad, and read all the time. We’d still need the internet so our children could distance learn. My wife Amy could still work if she wanted and/or just read to her heart’s content and meditate. Maybe she could write her own self-help mindful presence parenting guide. 

However, like the examples above, it may take an unhappy turn (or two) along the way. Our daughters especially would miss all their friends, their devices, their school, and the all the other creature comforts of where we live now. Plus, the reality that Amy and I aren’t ready for retirement yet would also keep my dream of living off the grid just a dream. 

I’m not even sure I’d want to do it full-time either, no matter how much I liked the idea of it, as steep hike up to the falls continued. Our kids weren’t happy about the hike anyway. They never are when it comes to hiking. Thankfully we were with some dear family who live near Clearwater Falls in Oregon where we were hiking to and that kept them motivated. 

It’s Nature’s ride as I wrote recently, the off-the-grid payoff that keeps us all coming back, though, no matter how much the kids dislike hiking. We made it to the end of the trail where the final fenced off observation area was and we stood there in awe watching the water spill over the cliff’s edge. It raced to the rocky river below and the waterfall spray washed over us like a light rain. 

When the rest of our group headed back down the trail, our oldest daughter Beatrice and I wanted to stay for a bit longer. Together we watched the water dance as it fell, and in that moment, there was no other place on earth I wanted to be. And if these are the moments that are almost gridless, peacefully away from most everything, I’ll embrace them every time. 

Never Too Old

Sometimes it can take decades to do something you love. Something you always wanted to learn but never took the time to do so. Something you tried in fits and starts that never stuck. Something that would take a pandemic to jumpstart it. 

I took guitar lessons when I was 9 years old, but never played much after that, or played any other instrument in junior high or high school. I never had any interest in joining band, but I did always love music, and sang in choir in junior high and high school. There was one year in high school when I did pick the guitar again to collaborate with an old friend I was in choir with. Someone who eventually got very serious about music and played professionally. We learned the Eagles' song Lyin' Eyes, but then never played it anywhere except inside my house. 

Although I loved all sorts of music growing up, thanks to my mother, with a particular affinity to R&B, rock, and pop, besides guitar, the only drumming I ever imagined doing was air drumming. I realized as I got older how passionate I was about drumming. 

And there were a few fits and starts of trying to learn. In my 20's, I remember buying a practice pad, drumsticks, and a rudiment lesson book. That lasted a couple of weeks and was then buried in the closet. I tried again in my 30's, and that only lasted a couple of weeks as well. Then in my late 40's, my wife Amy bought me an electronic drum set from Costco. I was super jazzed about it, set it up, and played off and on for a few months. But then that drum set got pushed around the garage and eventually sat unused gathering dust. 

That's all it was ever going to be, until the year 2020. That year started off with the death of my favorite drummer, lyricist, and writer, Neil Peart. Two months later, the world locked down everywhere due to the coronavirus pandemic. Shortly after that, I carved out a new location in the garage, set up my drums again, and restarted some video lessons. This time I lasted months and showed no signs of stopping. I practiced every night after dinner, at least 5-6 times per week.

In December 2020, I sold my old electronic kit and upgraded to a new one. I started new lessons and kept going. Two and a half years later, now in my mid-50's, and I'm really playing the drums. I'm not joining a band anytime soon, but I am playing regularly, learning, and getting better. Sometimes when I come in from practice, Amy and our daughters will say, "I heard you, Dad. Great job!" That means the world to me. 

The takeaway for our children is that they should always pursue what they love, no matter at what age or if it pays the bills or not. Mine never will, but that was never the point. The point was the love of drumming, learning, and keep me mentally and physically fit. There's lots of research out there about how learning challenging new activities keeps an old brain trained and active. I even started my own fun Big Daddy Drumming Practice YouTube channel channeling all the stellar drummers I'm learning from. Rock on, kids. You're never too old to learn new things.