The Beginning of the Rest of My Life

We've gazed into the open sea tank dozens of times over the years. Watching all the tuna, sardines, sharks, stingrays, and sea turtles swim back and forth and up and down has always been relaxing. Our family stands there in awe every time we visit the Monterey Bay Aquarium. 

But this time was different for me. Profoundly different. While all the fish, stingrays, and sharks swirled and swam at differing speeds and directions, it was one of the two female green sea turtles that stood out. I stood mesmerized watching her glide effortlessly through the water in the front of the tank, slowly but deliberately, as if she knew exactly where she was in the universe in each and every second, free from the chaos around her. As an animal, she still has to survive the chaos and the predators eyeing her or her eggs as their next meal, especially in the wild.

If she survives, she'll live as long as most humans do. Her seemingly confident and methodical movement soothed me. So many things have been breaking for me recently, feeling out of synch, hitting walls, things going wrong, being full of judgement, worried about my health, worried about others' health, worried about my work, taking care of my family, the state of the world, as if I'm in this mercury in retrograde free fall. 

The sea turtle's mindful freedom calmed me. I couldn't stop staring at her. My wife Amy has that mindful freedom, something she's been working on for years. I have as well but I'm still behind, although our daily meditation has helped. And our children, they continue to have their own mindful freedom, at least until the weight of the adult world starts dragging them into the deep.

The sea turtle brought it all into focus for me. While all the people swirled and swam at differing speeds and directions around me at the aquarium, I glided effortlessly in place, slowly but deliberately, as if I knew exactly where I was in the universe right that very second, then the next, then the next, free from the chaos around me. I felt like everything just wasn't going to be alright, that is was already alright. That it was always alright. That it just was, and my response to it was the true measure of spiritual enlightenment.

With my wife and two daughters near me, I felt the profound loving warmth I always feel with them, but it expanded beyond them to all the others around me. It didn't matter that I didn't know any of them. My own newfound mindful freedom expelled all my worries and all my judgement; I watched them sink to the sea floor and melt away like snow on a spring day. 

I looked up and there she was, the sea turtle swimming peacefully above me. Maybe she was God, maybe she was me, but she's why this holy weekend became the beginning of the rest of my life.