Getting the Part

Disappointment can feel like a tragic fall from sky-high expectations. The realization impact is what hurts the most and it guts us -- that the person you like doesn't like you back, or trying out for the sports team and not making the cut, or the part in the play you auditioned for that you don't get, or the job you really felt you were qualified for that you don't get, or the promotion you really felt you were qualified for that you don't get. 

The one about not getting the job you want is something that our teens haven't experienced yet. Only our oldest Beatrice has had a paying job the past two years, and was also promoted in year two, as a paid summer camp counselor. Our youngest Bryce can't wait to get a part-time job next summer. 

Both our kids played recreation soccer for years (with me as their coach for many of them), and then in middle school they tried out for and made the team. Both were solid players with good fundamental skills. The clique competitiveness wasn't for them, though, which outweighed the joy they derived from playing. That's when music and theater became their go-to participatory "sports".

Pre-covid both kids participated in a sweet theater troupe called Musical Mondays. They got to play a variety of roles, which was so much fun to watch their fun. Bryce participated in another theater program after that, but like in soccer, the clique competitiveness was too much. But choir was different in middle school for Bryce, who got to perform solos with a tentative but growing confidence. 

Now both our teens are in high school choir and theater and loving them because. The environment is still competitive, but much more inclusive and supportive. However, the disappointment of auditioning and not getting the roles they want is painfully real. It sucks, especially when they have experience and they practiced the roles beforehand. 

Some would say, "Well, that's life, and it's only going to get more competitive, and there will always be winners and losers." And that's true. There will be those who are stellar at what they do because of their abilities. There can also be bias, favoritism, nepotism, and privilege that help propel them. 

A certain amount of "putting yourself out there" and competitiveness is helpful character building. It can incrementally improve confidence and fuel the passion and the willingness to take a chance for something we want to do or be and like to do or be. Liking and wanting are important fulfillment companions, but wanting without liking can be just frustrating and self-loathing as never taking a shot in the first place. Thank you Rick Hanson and your Foundations of Wellbeing course.

We must be able to process and learn from not getting what we want (the part, the job, the position, etc.), from the disappointment that can gut us. Training or no training, practice or no practice, innate talent or aspirational talent, favoritism or fairness, it still all sucks when it doesn't work out for us. How we grapple with this disappointment, reassess what we liked and wanted and what we want to do now, understand what ultimately generates joy for us, and how we move forward without fear of judgment or self-judgment, are the only things we have control over.

Our hearts ache when our children ache with disappointment. We can't protect them from that; they have to go through it. However, getting to the other side of it and feeling grounded and confident to keep going is what's critical and what we've worked to impart on them. 

As parents, we’re proud of them and grateful they continue to explore their passions. The good news is that they're both getting the part where, no matter what happens, they hold their heads high and are proud of who they are and what they're capable of. They prioritize the joy in what they do while empathizing with others who don't. 

Manifesting The World We Want

The night our youngest raged on about the end of the world has stayed with me like the ghosts of a bad dream. One that sours in the moments before awakening. Except that when we're awake, the world sours even more in real time, becoming a nagging shadow that whispers bittersweet worries throughout the day.

It's not the first time it's felt like the "end of the world" as we know it (or the "end of the world" period). My wife Amy and I remember the 1980's fear of nuclear war with the former Soviet Union. The first Gulf War in the early 1990's. Then more genocides like Rwandan, Bosnia, and Darfur. September 11, 2001. Covid-19. The war in Ukraine. The Israel-Palestine Conflict. Ongoing climate change and horrific natural disasters. The insurrection of January 6, 2021, and America's slide into fascism, with truth, accountability, and the rule of law having literally gone over a cliff where the gravity of the fall could crush us all. Welcome to the Great American shakedown free-for-fall.

Our teens are now painfully aware of these current events. It weighs on their futures like a black hole's gravity. It weighs on all of us and steals our light. Doom-scrolling biased misinformation adds to this gravity, so we've all worked on moderating that behavior in our house, but it has prompted us to prepare. Amy is our disaster prepper, not in a fanatical way, but just enough so we have extra water and food and other emergency supplies "just in case". We also live with constant fire danger and earthquake danger that warrants being prepared.

Our children depend on us, the adults in the room, for safety, security, and sanity in an otherwise constantly changing world with natural disasters and manmade dumpster fires. Of course, there still are many good people trying to make a positive difference for their communities around the world. But the "powers that be" around the world seem to continually self-corrupt and suck all the light out of the room.

As parents, we do our best to talk about current events with our kids, especially when they ask about what's happening around us. We do our best to console them without compromising the truth (or as much of the truth that we can decipher) and encourage them to think positively about their lives and their futures. To live their lives and their futures. To fight for their lives, their rights, and their futures. And for everybody's else's, too. Because today, all our futures are at risk.

We've been here before and the gravity hasn't crushed us yet. I'm counting on the fact we can still make a difference, although this free-for-fall feels different somehow. Perception depends on how you feel in the moment, and I believe another moment will come. We know that worrying only helps to manifest the things we fear the most, so we'll keep manifesting the world we want, and take the actions needed to get there and stay there.

All for One Bag of Groceries

Right as I headed toward the exit, the guy next to me going through the other door was stopped by store security. I assume the security guard had asked to see the guy's receipt because the guy waved it in front of the security guard. The security guard was young and his face gave no indication of fear or hesitation. The guy who was stopped by the guard had a scruffy beard and wore a nondescript t-shirt, shorts, and a backwards baseball cap. With him was either his girlfriend or wife I assumed, also wearing a t-shirt and shorts. Seemingly just another summer shopping day at Safeway.

It was then the guy started yelling that he had paid for the groceries and he was going to leave. He held a big container of sour cream in one hand and something else in the other that I couldn't see. Maybe those were the items in question not on the receipt. He kept yelling and threw the sour cream to the ground. It exploded in a white splat. That's when a female store clerk rushed up and wrapped her arms around him in a big bear hug. I exited at that point.

Only 15 minutes earlier my wife Amy and our oldest Beatrice went into the store for a few groceries, and I was to exchange a propane tank. Safeway's not a favorite place to shop but it is down the street from us and convenient for items we can't get at Trader Joe's. Amy and Beatrice started shopping and I approached another store clerk who ran the self-checkout area. That's when I first saw the guy and his girlfriend scanning their items. I asked the clerk about exchanging the propane tank and she told me to wait in a one of the regular checkout aisles to purchase the refill. 

After I finished the propane tank exchange, I went back into the store to find Amy and Beatrice. I saw them and Amy waved me over to them. Even before I headed their way, I could hear the commotion to the left of me where the female store clerk continued to bear hug the guy and the security guard was trying to hold on to his right arm. The guy kept yelling he had paid for the other groceries and he just wanted to leave. His girlfriend was nowhere to be seen. But they weren't letting him go and it looked like the store clerk holding him was on her phone, I assumed calling the police. Another store clerk confirmed that, otherwise we would've called.

We were worried about whether or not the guy had a weapon, but if he did, he hadn't tried to go for it since the female store held on to him with all her might. No other store clerks came forward to help and we didn't see any other security guards. 

We completed our self-checkout and headed to another exit on the other side of the store with our one bag of groceries, away from the scuffle, which showed no signs of letting up. They wrestled with the guy and knocked over a few displays in the process and he kept yelling he paid for the one bag groceries that now sat on the ground near the customer service counter. But no cops had showed yet. One shopper called out to let him go. Everyone just stared. 

It had already been over 20 minutes since the confrontation started. No matter how much I wanted to help, I just would've put myself in harm's way. As Amy has trained our family for many years, channeling Kidpower safety skills, always move away from danger, not toward it. Beatrice definitely concurred and kept reminding us of that as we left. 

The whole incident was sad, though, representative of modern-day haves and have nots, the greater socioeconomic divide that widens daily. We didn't know anything about the guy or his girlfriend who fled. Did they have warrants out for their arrest? Obviously he had paid for some of his groceries, so was he just down on his luck trying to steal a few extra items? Was he mentally ill? An addict? Recently laid off? Homeless? Did he have any weapons on him? Had he done this at Safeway before? Growing up in law enforcement, I would've assumed the store employees would've let him go, with or without the groceries he supposedly paid for, especially after they took a picture of him, waiting for the police to arrive. 

Again, we had no idea what this guy's story was. The store clerk and security guard were still fighting with him when we left, and the police hadn't arrived yet. All for one bag of groceries. 

Empathic Parenting Outperforms the Punitive

Even as I got upset about the article I read, I couldn't help but think about that time with our youngest Bryce. The time when they were five years old and I had to carry them thrashing and kicking out of CVS. I was on a mission to get last minute cheap and fun little Christmas gifts for my wife Amy (yes, I'm one of those guys). Bryce had a meltdown because they wanted a toy they weren't going to get. Our oldest Beatrice tried to help, but as a seven-year-old, that's not easy to do when your sibling is out of control in a store and you're trying to get them out safely. 

It wasn't the first or last time Bryce had melted down growing up. But I never thought of punishing them to attempt to extinguish the behavior. That never would've worked because it would've fueled the melt down further. Instead, we always did our best to secure them safely and let the tantrum burn out, which it always did. Yelling at them and/or shaming them would've exacerbated the problem and just create fear, distrust, and resentment.

A recent Wall Street Journal article titled "Goodbye Gentle Parenting, Hello ‘F—Around and Find Out’" (paywall) is what got me upset and thinking about all of this. Even before I read the article the title alone made me mad. "Goodby Gentle Parenting" -- as if parenting with love, empathy, positive discipline, and of course, Kidpower, was feeble and weak and not conducive to deterring poor behavior.  

The article went on to share "tough love" parenting examples like throwing your child into a pond because they were "acting up" and not listening or biting your child back if they bit you.

WTH?

I don't care if it worked or not in the short term, that's nuts and will not help you raise respectful and responsible kids. Instead, it will help you raise bullies. And if your kids have any kind of mental health issues, it's potentially worse for the kids' mental health if they've been treated punitively (which was the way it was for a long, long time). 

Punitive discipline can have a lasting negative impact on your children. When my sister and I were growing up, we were spanked for misbehaving and our mouths washed out with a bar of soap for cursing. That did not necessarily get me to stop the behaviors, but it certainly made me fearful and angry. Fortunately, our mom moved on from that discipline style in our late childhood -- and thank goodness! But the lasting impact for me is that I continually fight against my punitive-mode origins. 

Yes, I can be a fussy dad, but I've worked on it every day since we first had Beatrice and then Bryce. Amy and I intentionally parent with respect, empathy, and positive discipline. Positive discipline's goal is to teach, guide, and encourage better behavior in the future. This includes using respect, clear expectations, natural/logical consequences, and encouraging our kids to foster self-control, which is what we've done since they were little. 

Removing Bryce from the meltdown's crater all those years ago was a natural consequence. They weren't getting the toy they wanted and so we were no longer going to be around the toys they wanted. Once Bryce cooled down, then we had a discussion about why they couldn't have the toy. Not a super in-depth conversation when your child is five, but you've got to start somewhere. Now that both Beatrice and Bryce are teens, the positive discipline payoff has been the strength of our parent/child relationships, their relationships with others, and their value of self.

Do we do it right every time? Nope, but we're pretty damn consistent otherwise. Do our kids get where we're coming from all the time? Nope, but they listen and learn much better than if we focused on "toughening" them up by literally biting back. Empathic parenting outperforms the punitive every time in our lesson plan.